I left work early today and went to the Dayton Art Institute. I needed a break from everyone and everything. I needed to clear my mind. I need to not think about responsibilities and expectations. I needed to see Bouguereau.
My mom called me around 11am. She told me that she had to go see Dr. Eads because her toe had a wound. She was cutting her toenails and I immediately said "why are you cutting them? The doctor is supposed to cut them - you are diabetic!" She then said "how was I going to get there?" She had a point. Dr. Eads sent her to see Dr. Appleby, whom I know. He is probably the best vascular surgeon in Charleston. They tested her for peripheral vascular disease, which was positive. When she cut her toenails she cut too far in and it became infected, which turned into a diabetic ulcer. Because of this and the subsequent testing they found out that she has poor circulation and will probably need to have angioplasty surgery from her breast to her toe. They are trying to avoid amputation. I called Dr. Eads and he told me that he had not gotten Dr. Appleby's notes yet but he will have the girls up front get them and will call me back. He asked me if I was moving back to Charleston. I told him that he knows my sisters are losers so I will probably have to.
In December Traci told me that she will make sure Mom was taken to all of her appointments and to the grocery store... wherever she needed to go. She said that I should stay in Ohio and to not worry... she would handle it all! Well, my mother hasn't seen Traci in over a month. My other sister, Janine, hasn't talked to my Mom in several months. Why would she? When MY father died Janine's meal ticket died. There was no one to save her from evictions, car reposessions and no one who could spoil her kids at Christmas any longer. Why would she want to stick around?
Then there's me... the one who escaped from the ghosts in Charleston. I left three years ago to save myself. I have come full circle. I am not the same girl that left Charleston on October 15, 2003. I question myself ever day. Am I ready to go back? Can I ever go back?
It's strange what happens when people die. You see all of these people converge around you in the final days of losing your loved one and then slowly they all disappear once the person dies. I don't think anyone has really contacted my Mom since my Dad died outside of Christmas cards - relatives or friends. Her father and Lorraine call her, or course but no one else, really. I know that people are busy with their lives and I am guilty about that as well. I mean, I really should call my Grandparen't more often, but at the same time... they are not alone like my Mom is.
Mom spends every day with her dog, Maggie - that's basically her only companion. She sleeps all day and stays up all night. She can't paint any longer because of how diabetes has affected her vision. She has even gone so far as to buy huge magnifying lenses, which don't really help. That fact that she even tries to paint any longer baffles me since she has pretty much lost her desire to do anything except watch television. She can't mow the lawn and my sisters nor my nieces and nephew mow it for her. According to my Mother the grass is up to her knee and she can't afford to pay someone. Looks like I will be making a call to a lawn care company soon.
Mom hasn't slept in her bed in 3 years. Sure, she has laid down on top of it, but she has not pulled the covers down after she remade it the day we found my father in a coma. When I think of what she could possibly be afraid of all I can vision is when we pulled back the cover and there he was, covered in his own urine and looking like a concentration camp victim since he had lost so much weight. When she pulled back the covers we both looked at each other... both wondering if he was still alive. He was, but not for much longer. I suppose that's why she's afraid to pull down the covers now. Who would want to re-live that? All of this because my Dad smoked... doesn't it make you want to light up another cigarette?
So now, here I am. Wondering what do do. I can't afford to just pack everything up and head down to save the day. Neither sister has a phone (lucky for them!!) When Mom called the on-call doctor about her foot he called in an antibiotic for her. She had to call one of her painting friends to drive her to the pharmacy... Her neighbor, Lois, is apparently tired of toting her around from place to place even though Mom continually gives her gas money. The last place Mom went for fun was when she went downtown with me last November. How sad is that?
I just keep hearing Traci tell me over and over "Don't worry... stay in Ohio..." I should have known not to trust anything she says. She's always been a terrific liar. If it wasn't for her, Mom wouldn't even be in this predicament. Traci was living in Washington State and had just broken up with her girlfriend. She called Mom and begged her to send money with a promise to pay her back. The only money Mom had was the check she received from the insurance company after she wrecked her car. Mom sent Traci $1,500 and hasn't seen a single penny of it yet. I believe that was almost 3 years ago. That money was so Mom could get another car.
My head hurts. I need a hug, or a shoulder, or both.
It was good seeing my old friends Bouguereau, Lichtenstein and Rothko among others, but I doubt it's good manners to cry in an art museum. I suppose I could have blamed my tears on the beauty of it all instead of what was really troubling me.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
We can't rewind we've gone too far...
MTV is 25?
I can't believe it's been 25 years. What the hell happened? Where is Martha Quinn? Is Martha on myspace? I wonder... So, I was living in Connecticut and we had just gotten cable. It was the first time we EVER had cable so that meant no more Star Trek torture from Dad. There were NEW channels... there were MORE than 3 channels to choose from! I remember MTV coming on. In those days it was hard to stay up past midnight. I think that was the summer of my 6th grade year... going into 7th. That day changed my life forever. What are these Buggles? What does it all mean? Give me more! For the next 20 years or so my father would say "Are you watching that communist channel again?" everytime he saw me watching MTV - which was a lot. It's a shame they don't play videos anymore. I would possibly consider getting cable if they did.
Anyway, I keep telling myself that I am just going to leave work, go home and vegetate and go to bed at a decent hour. It just never seems to happen for me. I actually did make it home today right after work and was doing some stuff around the house when Toni aka Mrs. Pokerbuzz called me and asked me for a hint on Charlies Second Cruel Cache. I told Toni where it should be and what kind of container it was in. She said they had looked everywhere to no avail.
My curiosity got the best of me so I told her to hang tight and that I would be there in 15 minutes to help look. When I pulled up Toni was in the van and Mr. Pokerbuzz (Frank) was on his hands and knees in the grass. We geocachers must look very odd to muggles at times! Frank showed me a patch of poison ivy. I had never seen it in real life so I was pretty intrigued, especially since I am still suffering from the remainder of my recent breakout. After about 5 mnutes of searching I tried to call Kat to find out if she could provide an additional clue. I was leaving a message when Frank said he found it. It was in a fake sprinkler system. Clever.
From there we decided to do a couple more caches in the area then we stood and talked for a good two hours. They seem to be really nice, down to earth people. Its nice to make caching connections. I also bitched to Frank about stealing MY bridge in Moraine. I told him that I kept saying I wanted to put a cache there every time I passed it. I even put that in the comments when I logged it he remembered and said Ha! That was you? Yeah, yeah Damn bridge stealer!!
Earlier today, when I got home from work, I was talking to Cricket on the phone and was checking my emails. I sent her the pic I put on my myspace profile today. She kept repeating that I was beautiful and started crying. I knew she was thinking of when we were together. She was trying to hide the fact that she was crying but I know her very well. I think that if my picture is enough to make her cry then that is a problem for her anyway. I started thinking about her situation and would I want to be in a long, drawn out very unhappy relationship where I was there solely because of the comfort and stability, or would I rather be involved in a short and tormented affair? Damn! Still dont know the answer to that one!
I told my Mom that I am probably moving back to S.C. and as soon as I said it I was like "ummmmm, what the hell am I thinking?" I know that she will drive me insane, but I keep thinking about the fact that she had to take a cab to Wal Mart because my loser sisters wouldn't return her phone calls. And it's not like it's Manhattan where you can hail a cab on a street. You have to call the cab company and then wait several hours for them to show up. Then you have to pay them and insane amount of money to drive you 3 miles. I think her Wal Mart excursion cost her over $20 in cab fare. Okay, have to stop talking about it... makes me insane thinking about her taking a cab to buy groceries when both sisters live down the street! Ugh!
So, this myspace thing is really weird. In the past week I have reconnected with several people that I havent seen in years. Thats a good thing. Its strange to see where life has taken people and to find out what they have been up to all these years. I heard someone liken decorating your myspace page to decorating your high school locker. You basically attempt to put all this stuff on your locker door to represent the person that you are. I think thats a pretty accurate statement.
One of the friends I have reconnected with, Rob, totally blew me away this week. He told me something that absolutely amazed me. First off, he finally joined myspace and found my profile. He left me this cryptic message in my inbox saying he was moving to Boston from Spartanburg, S.C. and to contact him. Of course I had to know why the hell he was moving to Boston so I called him. Ya know, I have a lot of friends and some of them have really cool jobs, but Rob well, I think his job absolutely rocks. Hes been the Principal at the S. C. School for the Blind but he has just accepted the position of Principal at the Perkins School For the Blind near Boston Helen Kellers Alma Mater! How freakin cool is that? The more I think about it the more excited I get for him. What an amazing opportunity! I am soooo proud of him! Yay Rob! (I cant wait to visit! You can meet my crazy family in Boston! Oh! And if you ever need protection in the city just remember that I have an Uncle Guido and an Uncle Buster I think that says it all knowwhatImsayin?)
I can't believe it's been 25 years. What the hell happened? Where is Martha Quinn? Is Martha on myspace? I wonder... So, I was living in Connecticut and we had just gotten cable. It was the first time we EVER had cable so that meant no more Star Trek torture from Dad. There were NEW channels... there were MORE than 3 channels to choose from! I remember MTV coming on. In those days it was hard to stay up past midnight. I think that was the summer of my 6th grade year... going into 7th. That day changed my life forever. What are these Buggles? What does it all mean? Give me more! For the next 20 years or so my father would say "Are you watching that communist channel again?" everytime he saw me watching MTV - which was a lot. It's a shame they don't play videos anymore. I would possibly consider getting cable if they did.
Anyway, I keep telling myself that I am just going to leave work, go home and vegetate and go to bed at a decent hour. It just never seems to happen for me. I actually did make it home today right after work and was doing some stuff around the house when Toni aka Mrs. Pokerbuzz called me and asked me for a hint on Charlies Second Cruel Cache. I told Toni where it should be and what kind of container it was in. She said they had looked everywhere to no avail.
My curiosity got the best of me so I told her to hang tight and that I would be there in 15 minutes to help look. When I pulled up Toni was in the van and Mr. Pokerbuzz (Frank) was on his hands and knees in the grass. We geocachers must look very odd to muggles at times! Frank showed me a patch of poison ivy. I had never seen it in real life so I was pretty intrigued, especially since I am still suffering from the remainder of my recent breakout. After about 5 mnutes of searching I tried to call Kat to find out if she could provide an additional clue. I was leaving a message when Frank said he found it. It was in a fake sprinkler system. Clever.
From there we decided to do a couple more caches in the area then we stood and talked for a good two hours. They seem to be really nice, down to earth people. Its nice to make caching connections. I also bitched to Frank about stealing MY bridge in Moraine. I told him that I kept saying I wanted to put a cache there every time I passed it. I even put that in the comments when I logged it he remembered and said Ha! That was you? Yeah, yeah Damn bridge stealer!!
Earlier today, when I got home from work, I was talking to Cricket on the phone and was checking my emails. I sent her the pic I put on my myspace profile today. She kept repeating that I was beautiful and started crying. I knew she was thinking of when we were together. She was trying to hide the fact that she was crying but I know her very well. I think that if my picture is enough to make her cry then that is a problem for her anyway. I started thinking about her situation and would I want to be in a long, drawn out very unhappy relationship where I was there solely because of the comfort and stability, or would I rather be involved in a short and tormented affair? Damn! Still dont know the answer to that one!
I told my Mom that I am probably moving back to S.C. and as soon as I said it I was like "ummmmm, what the hell am I thinking?" I know that she will drive me insane, but I keep thinking about the fact that she had to take a cab to Wal Mart because my loser sisters wouldn't return her phone calls. And it's not like it's Manhattan where you can hail a cab on a street. You have to call the cab company and then wait several hours for them to show up. Then you have to pay them and insane amount of money to drive you 3 miles. I think her Wal Mart excursion cost her over $20 in cab fare. Okay, have to stop talking about it... makes me insane thinking about her taking a cab to buy groceries when both sisters live down the street! Ugh!
So, this myspace thing is really weird. In the past week I have reconnected with several people that I havent seen in years. Thats a good thing. Its strange to see where life has taken people and to find out what they have been up to all these years. I heard someone liken decorating your myspace page to decorating your high school locker. You basically attempt to put all this stuff on your locker door to represent the person that you are. I think thats a pretty accurate statement.
One of the friends I have reconnected with, Rob, totally blew me away this week. He told me something that absolutely amazed me. First off, he finally joined myspace and found my profile. He left me this cryptic message in my inbox saying he was moving to Boston from Spartanburg, S.C. and to contact him. Of course I had to know why the hell he was moving to Boston so I called him. Ya know, I have a lot of friends and some of them have really cool jobs, but Rob well, I think his job absolutely rocks. Hes been the Principal at the S. C. School for the Blind but he has just accepted the position of Principal at the Perkins School For the Blind near Boston Helen Kellers Alma Mater! How freakin cool is that? The more I think about it the more excited I get for him. What an amazing opportunity! I am soooo proud of him! Yay Rob! (I cant wait to visit! You can meet my crazy family in Boston! Oh! And if you ever need protection in the city just remember that I have an Uncle Guido and an Uncle Buster I think that says it all knowwhatImsayin?)
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