Insomnia

This is a frequent scenario these days. Me... up at the wee hours or morning. In my normal, former life I have absolutely no problem sleeping. Someone could probably jump on the bed and I wouldn't wake up. I enjoy sleep. Even though I would sometimes have to force myself to actually go to bed, I looked forward to sleep. Sleep was my friend. When I was younger, I was able to function on only a couple of hours of sleep. As I've gotten older I've found that I just don't do well on less than eight hours. With less than eight my body is tired and my mind wanders throughout the day and all I do is dream about my bed. It was nice being on a sleep/work/life schedule. I miss that.

These days I have no schedule and it's absolutely taking a toll on me. I hate that I have none of my personal belongings with me. I'm in a house with all of my Mothers things that yes, I could go through, but don't really have the energy. It's all too overwhelming. I found a bottle of Ambien and this, instead of lovely natural sleep, has become my new friend. I think without it I really wouldn't sleep at all. Some nights I try to fall asleep naturally only to find myself up at 5am. I walk around the house, check my email, read a magazine. I suppose I should be taking the time to dispose of the boxes of coupons and newspaper clippings that my Mother kept for some reason. I think it would be safe to say that no one in the family would want a box of expired coupons. So, to maintain some normality in my life I take an Ambien and sleep the sleep of pill-induced fake sleep. I usually sleep in late, feed the dog and let her out and do the same thing I did the day before. Nothing.

Sometimes I tell myself that I need to force myself to go outside and do something... to go somewhere in Charleston that I love, just walk around, get some fresh air and take some pictures. Then, I think of the fact that I have no income and it would be silly to waste the gas so I end up staying home instead. I worry about the unpaid mortgage. I worry about the past due bills that Mom "forgot" to pay and I worry being able to pay my own bills. For many reasons, I hope to get a job soon... most of all I need a structured schedule.

Today I am supposed to be getting the paperwork from Uncle Chuck and Peggy where they signed rescinding their designation as executors of Mom's will. As soon as I get that I have to fill out the paper of appointment and take that down to the probate office. Traci is supposed to be coming with me. I have no idea how long it takes to be appointed executrix. Hopefully it's pretty fast because I'd like to get as much accomplished as I can before I start working. I'd at least like to get the $11,000 funeral home bill taken care of. That is weighing heavily on me right now. I also need to find out what the proper protocol is for taking care of mortgages of the deceased. Mom's mortgage was due on February 1st and they have already called. I haven't told them Mom passed away yet. I wanted to ask the probate clerk about how I should handle that before making a move. I think eventually we will need to get a probate attorney... as if we can afford that!!

Over the weekend Samantha and I went through all of Mom's kitchen cabinets. The stuff that she had in there overflowed on the kitchen table, the dining room table and the kitchen counters. Why does one person have so much food? There were multiples of certain items. I'm sure she would buy one and forget just to buy another. She had every kind of sugar free item imaginable and multiples of them. Most of the food was expired which was not surprising. I kept what I wanted and then gave the rest to Traci and Janine. Traci only took a few things while Janine took whatever was left, which also was not surprising. I know that there was at least 30 bags of groceries that she left with. Spending two hours with Janine in the house was not fun. What I really wanted to do was hover over her and make sure she didn't take anything else. She asked me for a couple of things here and there, but really, she can't be trusted.

My alarm is set for 9am. I might as well turn it off. In the meantime, maybe I'll go watch even MORE television, or perhaps I'll finally throw away those expired coupons and newspaper clippings.

Decisions, decisions...