I can't believe that today is two weeks since Mom's funeral. I keep thinking about when Dad passed away. A lot of time had passed and I just didn't show emotion. I didn't cry and my Uncle Chuck and Aunt Peggy actually had an intervention with me... they said that they were worried that I hadn't shown any emotion about what happened. I told them I couldn't. I wasn't sure why, but I was not ready to let it out. When I finally did it was not pretty. With Mom, I can talk about it without crying and I feel bad for that. I'm just angry, I think.
The other day I was flipping through channels (I've watched more TV in the last few weeks than I have all year!) and I stopped at a rerun of 'Little House on The Prairie'. It was an episode where an widowed neighbor lady was telling Charles that the doctor told her that she didn't have long to live. She made him promise that he would do his best to find good homes for her children if she died before she could take care of it. Later that night she sat her kids by the fire and told them that she was going to meet their father in heaven soon than later. One of the kids started to cry. She got mad and kind of yelled at him. She said he shouldn't cry about someone going to heaven and that he was crying for himself and not for her. I guess that is why I haven't... or can't. I would be crying for selfish reasons.
I learned that even if you let it out, the sadness is forever there. It never goes away. You will constantly miss that person and no matter what people say, it DOES NOT get better. I would just be feeling sorry for myself and really, what is the point of that? Sure, I have my moments of tears welling up but I quickly do something to preoccupy myself to take my mind off it all. I'm waiting for the meltdown. Not that I want it to, but it's bound to happen and from experience, once it starts it's all downhill. I am so pissed off that I am only 40 and have no parents! See, that is selfish because I know people who are younger than me that are in the same boat. I try to broaden my mind regarding religion and my belief in God but things like this make me take 10-steps back. It's not looking so good for God right now in the world that is "all things Pam"!
I've slowly been collecting Mom's bills and trying to organize them and figure out what she owes and to whom. I've paid a couple here and there from my last paycheck at Sheakley, but I have to save as much of that money as I can so I can afford food and gas until I find a job here in South Carolina. Mom apparently liked to pay partial bills and I've gotten a few disconnect notices so those are the ones I have focused on. It's been very stressful because I've felt so helpless with being able to do nothing until the executor is appointed by probate. Once that is settled we will finally be able to access bank accounts, cash in the life insurance policy and pay the $11,000 bill I owe them and move forward with settling the estate. It's just beginning and I know it will be such a long process. I really think I might need some Xanax to deal with the situation!
The contents of the house itself is a major project. Since her time off from the funeral Traci has been working close to 60 hours a week so we've not had a chance to go through anything except for the contents of the freezers... yes, Mom has three! Janine took a lot of the food in the house so Traci and I picked what we wanted from the freezers (which wasn't much) and left the rest for Janine and the kids. There is a ton of food there and I'm not sure why Mom was still buying for a family of five. My goal is to get those emptied so I can unplug them. I'm sure they responsible for a huge part of the electric bill I just received! I still have some cabinets to go through in the house and I hope to get to them this weekend. It will forever be a mystery of why Mom needed 20+ jars of pickles! I was pretty excited to find some of my Mom's masterpieces in the freezer... homemade meatballs, baked apples and homemade stuffing. I guess I'll take a chance on how long they've been in there since it will be the last time I will have her cooking!
Today I was attempting to clean up the room that the computer is in. I was feeling very claustrophobic from all the clutter! I finally found the books that belong to painting group that Mom belonged to. I still can't believe that her "friend" Mary Lou asked for them three times in a week! Twice she asked for them before we even buried Mom. Does she think we really want their dumb scrapbooks? And how tacky is it that she asked for them at the wake!! I understand that they need the books back, but really... don't you think that she could have at least waited a couple of weeks before contacting us about them? I certainly won't forget that! I really thought that Mary Lou was one of the nice women in the group, but I guess I was wrong. Mom could not stand most of those women and I once asked her why she went to the group if she disliked most of them (and most of them weren't very nice to her) and all she said was "I love to paint!"
It was hard at the wake because when one of them approached me I wanted to say "are you one of the bitches or one of the good ones??" but I was nice. It was pretty hard to bite my tongue when they all asked what we were planning on doing with all of my Mom's art supplies. I wanted to punch them. They weren't the only ones... It's amazing how people turn into vultures when people die. It's like a damn free-for-all with the belongings of the deceased. Besides the food, this house hasn't changed one bit. My Mom's glasses are still on her nightstand and her clothes are still in her closet. I look at all of this stuff and I think how can I get rid of the stuff that she loved so much? I might think the Victorian lamp and anchor wall clock are ugly as hell, but she loved them.
On Monday Traci is supposed to be coming over to go through some of Mom's things in the garage. Janine can't be bothered to call us so I'm not sure what is happening with that. I will tell her our plans if I can get her to come over to get the rest of the stuff from the freezers. We tried to get together once before but Janine stayed for 20 minutes and then left to pick up her kid and never came back. We really need to start going through this stuff and plan some yard sales. Also, I should receive the estate/executor paperwork in the mail from Uncle Chuck and Aunt Peggy so I'll have to go to Moncks Corner to the probate office to file for appointment. Also, I've sent my resume's to my former employers so hopefully I can land a job soon! Being able to pay MY bills would also be nice!
In the meantime, I've been catching up with long-time friends. I've missed them terribly the past six years and it's nice to only be 5 minutes away from them when we talk on the the phone rather than 10 hours away from them! They've been wonderful support the last couple of weeks. Tonight I went to dinner at Yokoso with Annabelle and Samantha. The food was great, as usual, and we had so much fun laughing together! I'm lucky to have such good friends who always listen to my dumb stories and never complain when I bitch about life. With or without parents, it's nice to know that I'm not truly alone.