Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Brief Hour...

Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must
be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration.
- D. H. Lawrence

This has been my quote on MySpace for well over a year. It's a good quote, I think, and I honestly believe every word. I was reminded of it today when someone I have been seeing for a couple of weeks told me that she doesn't want a relationship... not even to see me in any way but friendship. Even a couple of weeks into it, I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted one either, but I was willing to wait and see what developed. Her, not so much.

It was probably a bad decision to begin with since she is a friend of my sisters. We have known each other for years but never paid attention to each other before my moving back to Charleston. I guess the fact that I didn't date women back then probably had something to do with it too! When I came back to Charleston my sister, her girlfriend, this friend and I would go out for dinner and I slowly developed a crush, as I have the tendency to do at times. My sister would jokingly say that since we were both single we should hook up... I said time and time again that I was not ready to get involved so soon after ending my engagement with Justin.

One night, after hanging out at the bar, I asked her if she wanted to do something the following day and to my surprise, she said yes. We don't really have anything in common but I had absolutely no concern about that. I was so ready to learn about a world I knew nothing of and I hoped that she was interested in me and my weird fascinations as well. The following day we drove out to the Cypress Campground to take some pictures and I had a really great time. Abandoned shacks and outhouses are right up my alley but I was afraid that she would be bored but she hung in there, which I appreciated.

That afternoon we went to lunch and literally sat and talked for hours. We chatted about life, past relationships and our families as the restaurant shifts changed. I was intrigued. Why hadn't I noticed her before? Soon we were spending every available moment together. I was smitten and I must admit that she is the hardest person I have ever tried to read. I normally know when someone is into me. With her, I had no clue.

Being the incredibly brazen freak that I sometimes am, I decided to lay it out there just to find out where she was in all of this mess. One evening I told her that I was interested in her but I was hesitant because of the fact that I just ended a relationship. Also, I was concerned about her being Traci's friend - I most certainly didn't want to make things uncomfortable for them if this did not work out. We had a long talk about taking things slow and that we just wanted to see where things went. I knew that neither of us wanted to jump into something so soon.

Two days ago I felt a shift and for a slight second there was clarity in my mind about the doomed beginning of our relationship. I called a friend and confided that I thought I needed to end something that has never even really begun... not that I wanted to, but because I knew in my heart that she was not there.

I went home and attempted to take a nap but mostly laid there thinking about what I wanted to say and hoped that she would say something to the effect of "Absolutely not! You are the most amazing person in the world and I will fight to the end for you!" Knowing this never seems to happen in my relationships, I IM'd her on Facebook to tell her I wanted to talk to her.

She answered my IM as if she were expecting me to mention that we needed to talk. At that point I knew it was not looking good for us. So after a long and uncomfortable chat here we are... friends only, again.

Today has been filled with a sadness and confusion. Here again, I opened myself up to someone just to get hurt. When will I learn?? I keep reminding myself of my D.H. Lawrence quote. As bittersweet as it may be, I'm thankful for the many sweet moments we shared where my heart was filled with hope. That is such a wonderfully good feeling! In the brief hour of this doomed relationships duration, I am most thankful that she made me realize that my heart does, in fact, still beat.

I was convinced that it died long ago.


Clytie said...

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

As always, your writing is beautiful. Your soul comes through your words, your pain becomes real to your readers.

Beth Niquette said...

Sisters are so very precious, as are friends. I agree with Clytie--your writing is beautiful. You have a truly wonderful gift with words.