Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Clair de Lune

I spent the weekend in Ohio getting some of my things as well as my clothes. I left Thursday morning around 6:30am and arrived at 4:30pm. The drive up there wasn't bad and actually went pretty quick. When I finally arrived I was so happy to see my cute little house and I couldn't wait to go inside and fall on my bed! Basie greeted me at the door and then I looked for Jake who seemed pretty pissed off with me since I left him for so long. Jake was stand-offish at first but warmed up quickly when he realized that it was actually me.

I'm not sure what I expected when I walked through the door. All the stress and sadness that I have been feeling for the past month and a half seemed to release and I was suddenly overcome with emotion. I crawled into my bed and just cried. I missed my former life in Ohio and the simplicity of it (minus the snow!) and I missed Justin whom I think of constantly and miss terribly. I missed my house with it's perfect leaf filled yard with fallen tree branches everywhere, I missed my Mom and I missed my semi-normal life that I knew two months ago. I wanted time to rewind and for everything to be okay again. Sadly, a wish like that can't come true, so I just laid there and mourned the loss of my Mother and my failed relationship with Justin. I also mourned the loss of what little life I had built that I was now leaving. After all, I've never had "normal" so why begin now? What the heck was I thinking about when I thought I'd help myself to some of that?!

I knew Justin would be home around 5:30 so I pulled myself together and started to get ready to head out for dinner. When he came in we said our "hello's" and I told him I would be ready in a bit. I went back into the office and I heard it...

I instantly froze after the first two notes... He was playing Clair de Lune - one of my all-time favorite classical pieces. I have asked him so many times to sing for me, since I have heard he has an amazing voice, but he never will. He once played a piece by Tori Amos in a piano store at the mall, but it wasn't exactly sentimental or romantic. I had pretty much given up hope of ever hearing the musical talent of this person who is so much a part of my heart that I didn't really expect this.

Before my trip back home Justin told me that he had acquired a piano so I told him that he had a few days to brush up on his skills because I wanted to hear Clair de Lune. Justin said that he couldn't find his sheet music and then stated that the piano was not tuned. I said I didn't care - I wanted to hear it. I really never thought I would, and there he was... playing it on that beautifully un-tuned piano and I was crying my eyes out... alone, in the office.

Very few pieces of music have the ability to shut me up completely and get me wobbly at the knees. Clair de Lune is definitely number one in the category. The fact that Justin was playing it just because he knew it was important to me and knowing how much I love and wanted to hear it, meant the world to me. I didn't know what to say so I just kept crying. When the song finished he entered the room and I couldn't even look at him. I needed a moment so I waved him away! Again, I pulled myself together and continued on with the evening.

Even now, a few days later and many miles between us, I think of that moment where Clair de Lune filled the air with it's out of tune notes at which I couldn't have cared less. To me, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard and coming from someone who took the effort to play it for me at my request, filled my heart with love and a bit of sadness for love lost.


Beth Niquette said...

My goodness--dear girl. I'm so sorry you have such pain in your life.

I remember when I lost my love and I thought I would die.

Two years later I met up with the love of my life, and we've been married now for 25 years.

It is of little comfort now. I remember. But maybe a little later, when your grief has eased.


Rising from my Ashes said...

Hi Pamela, I am so happy to have come by your blog and hope you visit mine sometime as I would like to return here?
Oh, and I love the "Light of the Moon" and have always done!
Best wishes