Sunday, July 01, 2007

Go Ninja, Go!

Last night at the Vanilla Ice concert I think I might have caught some horrifying evidence of celebrity stalking on camera that I should turn over to police...

It seems that there was a very scary drag queen with hideous red fingernails that was trying to attack Vanilla Ice while he was performing! What's even more frightening was that I must have been standing right next to "her" when this was happening! As you can see by my after-concert photo-op below that Vanilla Ice remained unscathed... Lucky for him, since those fingernails look like they could really wound someone!

By the way, let me just mention that this was the most bizarre concert that I have ever been to... and I have been to A LOT of concerts.

First of all, it was in Franklin, Ohio. Never heard of it? Well, there's a reason for that! There's not much to see or do in Franklin. Even more bizarre than the concert being in Franklin, was that the concert was at a bowling alley. Wait! It gets better! The bowling alley is pretty nice as far as bowling alley's go. I had never been there before so I was assuming that the show was going to be in some part of the bar or something. I was sadly mistaken. We followed the crowd outside and as we stood on the deck I looked around in disbelief. There was a sea of sand before my eyes and no ocean in sight. It was a sand volleyball court. Everyone in the crowd had to stand in sand. Apparently Justin knew about all of this but failed to mention it to me. Luckily I wasn't wearing stiletto's or anything!

We walked down the steps and I felt like I couldn't even think because I was still trying to absorb that we had to stand in sand during the concert. This wasn't a small volleyball court, either. It was actually about 3 or 4 full size courts in all. There were chairs set up toward the back and there was a huge open area in front of the stage for the sand/mosh pit I am assuming. We finally found a piece of a wall to lean against while waiting for the show to start.

The opening band was pretty good as far as cover bands go. They finished their second set with "More Human Than Human" by Rob Zombie, which I really enjoyed. The best part of the whole concert was the people watching. It was bountiful! It was a much older crowd than I had expected. I enjoyed watching all of the woman in cocktail dresses and spiked heels struggle and stumble across the sand.

It was a boring and horribly long wait after the opening band until Vanilla Ice came on. I think that they were having technical difficulties or something. When he finally came on it was already 11pm. I wanted to get some pictures so I left the safety of our wall and walked to the front of the stage. It was then that it was confirmed how stupid and obnoxious drunk people are. I know that I was like that once and I wholeheartedly apologize to the world.

My observations about Vanilla Ice's performance are:

1. He sings with a really harsh Muppet-like voice. I am not sure which Muppet it is, really. I want to say the Cookie Monster, but more like the Cookie Monster after having chewed glass.

2. Vanilla Ice really like to spray water from bottles on the audience. He did this with at least 10 water bottles. He would shake it all over everyone and then throw the bottle into the audience. I'm not sure what that is all about.

3. He likes to say "Holy Shit" after every song. It's like Vanilla punctuation.

4. He must like the marijuana since it is the subject of all of his songs.

5. He's faithful and that is endearing. Justin witnessed a girl putting her hand on Vanilla Ice's crotch and he said "I'm not like that" on the mic to her. I heard that part but sadly missed the crotch grabbing.

In the middle of his performance he played "Ice Ice Baby" and invited the hoochie mama's onstage with him. First it was a couple, then it was to the point where it was like playing "Where's Waldo". I kept looking at Justin and saying "where is he??" So, there are all of the bimbo's onstage and we can't even see him and the really bad thing is that the bimbo's were there until the end of the show. At one point I looked at Justin and said again "where is he" and Justin said "he left the stage... the show is over!" I consider myself to be a pretty intelligent person, but I never heard the music stop and I never heard him say an official goodbye to the crowd. It was just weird how the show ended. The girls were still on the stage dancing and I just assumed that he was lost up there... Waldo style.

We decided to wait for our photo-op and the crowd slowly started disappearing. The sand pit was a disgusting mess. Justin asked a couple of people where Vanilla Ice would be coming out and they pointed to the VIP area. There were staff members guarding the VIP entrances so we had to come up with a plan to meet Vanilla Ice. We were talking to some people across the wall, who were sitting in the VIP section and one guy told us that we should just go up there since half the people up there didn't have VIP bracelets on. We decided to go to the guard and ask to be let in. He told Justin no and that only VIP members could go in. Well, right afterward, RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, he let several hoochie's in! I could not believe that he did that right in front of us!

I asked the guard how their red bracelets were different than OUR red bracelets and he said that they were with someone in the VIP section. Justin told him we were with them too! Well, that didn't work so I said "So, we have to be "with" someone in the VIP section to get in??" and the guard said "If you are with someone I will let you in" Well, at this point I wanted to kick him. I walked back to the VIP table that we were talking to before and told them our situation and the guy said "Tell him that you are with me! I will wave at him" I asked for his name and he said "Mike Mills" I walked back to the guard and said "We are with the Mills party back there in VIP" and I looked over and Mike was standing up and waving. The guard said "Now that wasn't so hard, now was it?" What a prick.

The "line" to meet Vanilla Ice was VERY disorganized. I just wanted to get in and get out. People are so obnoxious when they get around celebrities. I just don't understand it. We got our pictures and Justin bonded with his ninja buddy, which is good (brotha!)

On the way out we had to walk past the prick of a guard and I tried to not make eye contact with him. When we passed him he said "sorry" and I kept walking. He yelled at me "you're not going to accept my apology?" Give me a break. What an ass. I just gave him one of my looks of death. I was perfectly satisfied since I got the photo I wanted and I left knowing that he was going to have to get over what he deemed a high-profile security position and had to clean the nasty pit that resembled a volleyball court. I secretly hoped that he accidentally touched some DNA while cleaning.

Word to your Motha!

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