Alex and McKinley Visit!

Last week was a hard one. On Wednesday morning I woke up feeling awful so I called work and told them that I would be a bit late and was going to try to sleep it off. I did make it in and really just dragged myself through the rest of the day.

The next two days weren't any better so I stayed home from work. I would wake up and take a shower but would be so exhausted from that little physical activity. My breathing would get heavier and I could feel the life draining from my body and I would just stand there hoping to make it through the shower while I leaned against the shower wall. When I got out I couldn't even dry myself off. All I could do was crawl back into bed. I'm surprised I even had enough energy to call work.

Friday morning I had my first appointment with Dr. Pugh, the endocrinologist. She was really nice probably asked more questions that any doctor I have seen before! We went over my entire medical history and I told her about my recent episodes of hot flashes and extreme flash sweating. She told me she had no idea why that was happening. I was really hoping I was going to get an answer to that today. Dr. Pugh changed a couple of my meds and told me that MUSC would be contacting me to schedule my dose of radiation.

Earlier in the morning I contacted Dr. Eads office to see if they could work me in since I didn't seem to be getting any better. They told me to come in after my appointment with Dr. Pugh. When I saw Dr. Eads I told him of my extreme exhaustion, excessive flash sweating and overall funk. Unfortunately he had no idea about the sweating, also. He told me that all my labs came back normal and he wasn't really sure what was up with me. He did more lab work that day to see if my B12 was low. At this point I am so over feeling horrible, seeing doctors and paying co-pays!

When I was talking to Robin later on she said that she thinks my body needs to be reconditioned and time to get back on a normal schedule. I sat on the couch or layed in bed for almost a month so I wasn't used to physical activity. We decided that I should start taking a daily vitamin. After my appointment we went home and took a nap.

I did manage to go out for a bit on Thursday evening. I received a phone call from Alex, who is the daughter of my old high school friend, Jennifer. Jennifer and I knew each other way back in the day of my school years in Washington State. We haven't seen each other in 25 years! Jennifer's Mother, Aunt, Alex and her younger sister McKinley were visiting Charleston for the week and Alex and McKinley wanted to touch base since I promised to show them Charleston. I was feeling pretty rested so I asked if they wanted me to pick them up and take them on a night time driving tour of the city. They were game so I woke Robin up and told her we were taking the kids on a tour!

I picked up the girls at their hotel and we were on our way. I wasn't really sure what they were interested in and when I asked they said "The Citadel, cemeteries, history and haunted things" Well, that was right up my alley! We ended up driving around Charleston for a couple of hours and I showed them so much stuff. First off was The Citadel since Alex will be starting her Freshman year there in August. We drove around campus, which is pretty small. We made a stop at the Old City Jail, which is my favorite building in the city. As we walked around the outside of the building I told them the story of Lavinia Fisher, which is my all-time favorite ghost story! I also threw in a little history about Denmark Vesey for good measure.

We drove around the Battery, up and down the major streets of Charleston while I spouted out all the useless facts I knew about Charleston with some history added here and there. Around 9:30 we decided to call it a night and I decided to take the girls over the new Ravenel Bridge for an amazing view. After dropping them off at the hotel we headed down to Waterfront Park to see if we could get a better shot at the full moon. I took a couple of shots and realized that I was just too tired to even mess with camera settings for night photography so we headed back to the car. As soon as we got home it was bed time. Even driving around is a lot of exhausting to me right now!

On Friday evening Alex called asking what I was doing on Saturday. I told her I didn't have any plans so we made arrangements to hang out. Robin and I picked up the girls up in the morning and we headed downtown. Since the girls were interested in cemeteries I decided to take them on the Gateway Walk which connects the most amazing churches, in my opinion, of Charleston.

St. Phillips Cemetery

St. Phillips Church

Unitarian Universalist Cemetery

St. Matthews and Unitarian Universalist Church

Unitarian Universalist Church Interior

I was pretty bummed because the West cemetery of St. Phillips was not open. Because of this we walked around the parking lot to go to the Circular Congregation Church. When we got there that whole churchyard was closed too! What the hell?? Those two church yards are major parts of this walk. It was 10:30am on a Saturday - they should be open!!

We continued our walk through the Gibbes Museum of Art courtyard and I started having one of my flash sweating episodes. The sweat drenched my hair, my clothes, poured down my face and dripped from my arms. I was wearing a skort and t-shirt and it was only about 70 degrees. I should not have been sweating! I kept apologizing to the girls and told them it was like this since my surgery and they said they understood. Still, it didn't make it any better. The girls and I continued our walk to the Unitarian Church and Robin ran to find a pharmacy. I told her we would meet in the Unitarian Churchyard.

The girls and I stood and watched the Unitarian Church members do their monthly churchyard clean-up and I told them about the alleged story of Edgar Allan Poe and Annabelle Lee and their secret meetings in the cemetery. Tour guides love to tell the story of the courtship of Edgar and Annabelle and the legend of Annabelle being buried in the cemetery but I have never found proof of this. I even attend the Unitarian Church (when I can get my lazy butt out of bed!) and have never heard talk of it!

A bit later Robin, again proving she is the best girlfriend in the world, returned to the cemetery with tissues and water from Tellis Pharmacy where she apparently made friends with owner Vera Tellis. Robin dabbed the sweat off of me while I drank the water. After getting cooled off we continued our walk through the churchyard and made our way to Broad Street to The Cathedral of St. John the Baptist. We were so fortunate because the church was open and we were free to explore.

Cathedral of St. John the Baptist

Alex and McKinley taking confession

Sweaty me (look at my shirt!) and Robin

We walked back through the Gateway Walk to see if the cemeteries were open yet, but no such luck. We headed back to the car and over to Magnolia Cemetery for a little tour.

From there we headed over to Sullivan's Island and Isle of Palms which was kind of exciting since the girls had never seen the Atlantic Ocean! Actually, all of this must have been fun for them since they live in chilly Colorado!

Alex and McKinley do the Atlantic Ocean!

We waded in the surf of Sullivans Island for a bit and also witnessed a wedding on the beach

I love the sunbather in the background!!

After having lunch at Poe's Tavern we were trying to figure out what to do with the rest of the day. It was about 4pm and I decided to take a trip over to John's Island to see the Angel Oak. I mean, how often do you get the chance to see a 1500+ year old oak tree?

After the Angel Oak and multiple stops at different Piggly Wiggly's for Robin to find Wickles (she fell in love with Poe's pickles and the waiter suggested she get Wickles!), it was getting late so we headed back to the hotel to drop the girls off. I really had a great time hanging out with them! They are amazing, worldly, intelligent and thoughtful girls - Jennifer did an fabulous job raising them! I really wish she could have been on the trip also, but I will see her when she brings Alex back in August.

I hope I didn't bore them too much with my constant babbling about how great Charleston is! I love showing people our amazing city off and each time I do, I realize how incredibly lucky I am to live here.

Wonder-Dog!

This week has been so exhausting. I wake up each morning feeling horrible and completely exhausted. I come home each day and try not to nap, but end up doing so anyway and then I don't sleep well at night. I worry about money and the huge hospital bills I'm starting to receive. I worry about getting my short term disability payments straightened out. I'm just so tired.

Today I managed to avoid a nap, which is good. Tonight I have the intention of going to bed at 11pm. I HAVE TO get "normal" again. I want to have energy again!

Enough of the Debbie Downer talk!

Tonight I decided today to post something positive and fun!

Check out Lucas, the wonder-dog chasing his baby across the back yard!

His recovery is nothing short of miraculous!

Back to Work

Today was my official first day back at work. After three weeks of total rest you would have thought I would be ready to go back.

Yeah, not so much... Look at this pile that welcomed me back! Ugh!

Initially I was okay, but by 11am I was exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open and all I wanted to do was go out to my car and take a nap. I did go outside and sat in the car for a while, but it was 88 degrees out and it was just too hot to be comfortable. I was miserable. All I could do was go back to my desk, turn on my iPod, get as much caffeine in me as I could and carry on until 4pm.

Oddly enough, the three weeks I was off I didn't have one drop of coffee, which is really unusual for me. I think it was because I slept such odd hours while off. I really need to get back on a normal sleeping schedule.

In a couple of weeks Robin is going to start working days. I wonder how that change will affect our relationship? It's always been a struggle because I want to spend time with her, but the only time she is at home when I am is when she is sleeping. Unless I take a nap I don't get to spend any time with her. Now she will be getting off at 7pm and will be home by 8pm. Hopefully we can get into a routine of eating dinner when she gets home and going to bed at a decent hour! She will have weekends off so that will be really nice! Sometimes she works weekends and I never get to see her. I can go out with my friends but I really like doing stuff with her! We'll see how all of this works out. I'm being positive about it. I really hope it will add some sort of normalcy to our lives.

I'd better conjure up some kind of energy soon because this is the part of the year when things get busy! I just found out tonight that my friend Noey, from Ohio, will be here this Saturday with a couple of friends. Also, the kids of my old high school friend Jennifer, who now lives in Colorado, will be in town from this Thursday to Next Tuesday - how fun! I really can't wait to meet them! I haven't seen Jennifer since 1985 and I really wish she was coming also! I love showing people around Charleston! It's such an amazing, beautiful city and this really is the perfect time of year to come visit!

In June my cousin Denise, from Illinois, will be coming to visit. She hasn't been to Charleston in several years so it will interesting to see what she thinks of all the changes that have happened around town. Charleston, especially upper King Street, has really been built up since she has been here. Also, a lot of the intersections have changed so navigating for her might be a bit of a challenge at first! I can't wait! I love having visitors!

As for me... well, I'm totally out of PTO time at work. Each year we get 118 hours (or something like that) and I used several days the beginning of the year when I was sick and I also used two days when Lucas was paralyzed. Just before surgery I had about 40 hours left and I had to use that the first week I was out. The rule is that you have to use PTO for the first week before you can use any short term disability. So, that sucked up all of my PTO for the year.

Being that my blood sugar was out of control, I've had incredibly high blood pressure and oh! Cancer - who knows what toll that poison was taking on me - I was sick. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do because the policy at work is that you cannot take a day off if you don't have PTO time. I have FMLA paperwork filled out for doctors appointments so I will be protected for that, but if I want a personal day off I'm stuck. I was thinking of writing a letter to my Manager explaining that my PTO is gone and could they possibly have some leniency on me if would like a personal day? I could not care less if I have to take it without pay. To me, if you are doing your work and are caught up it shouldn't be a problem. If people are abusing the system, then deal with them on an individual basis.

I was going to wait a week or so after coming back to write this letter. I'm not sure how it's going to go over. McKesson is a big corporation, but you know how some people are with making their own rules! All I know is that it will be a miserable existence for me if I can't take a day off for the rest of the year!

It's amazing how word travels throughout the building when something happens to someone. All day I had people that I barely know ask me how I was doing after my surgery! wow! Someone I hardly know started talking to me about her sister-in-law who had thyroid cancer out of the blue! I just stood there going "oh, really?" when I was really thinking "I don't even know you!" Amazing.

Speaking of cancer, I just found out from a classmate that his wife (my age!) just found out she has pancreatic cancer. She is having a tumor removed this week and the doctor is giving her 6-9 months. It makes me so thankful that I got off "easy" with having papillary thyroid cancer. I can't even imagine dealing with a prognosis like that.

Unreal.

Edisto Excursion

I couldn't take it anymore. After another week inside I had to get out and get some fresh air. Robin and I decided to take a trip to Edisto Island, which is about an hour from the house. We first started out at Bessinger's Barbecue but I really didn't enjoy it as much as I normally do. Both Robin and I have had strange appetites over the past couple of weeks. Neither of us really have a taste for anything and when we do eat we rarely finish our meals. Don't you just love medication?

I love the drive through the country to Edisto! There is always some kind of weirdness that you will see along the way! I must say that so much has changed since I last went there almost a decade ago, especially the new housing developments. I was wishing that it was peach season because there is NOTHING like getting a bushel of peaches on the way back from the beach! The only thing we saw was a truck load of icebox watermelons and we weren't really sure if they were in season so we didn't stop.

Along the way we saw a really cool ship figurehead that I think would look fabulous in the front yard...

and we saw a golf ball and tee mailbox...

Here and Beyond by Mary

and a stacked mobile home on stilts

and a mobile home that now has a steeple

and of course, the Mystery Tree of Edisto Island.

It was nice to see that the tree has regrown since it was vandalized! The last time I was there it was a makeshift tree that was rebuilt with lumber. Who would tear down something as awesome as the Mystery Tree? So sad!

We finally arrived at Edisto Island and drove around and did a couple cache's. It was so hot that after two cache's we went to the beach and walked around for a while. I wish we would have been better prepared and brought a blanket or towel with us so we could sit down and enjoy the breeze. I was really thirsty so we decided to go back to the car and head to the gas station for a drink. I was able to take a couple of photos on Edisto Beach.

After cooling down with a drink from the gas station we decided to drive around the island a little more. On the way out we saw a sign that said Botany Bay and we were both a little surprised because we thought Botany Bay was only accessible via boat. I was so glad to find that we were wrong!

We drove down the long dirt road in the convertible under the cover of a canopy of trees. There was swamp land on both sides of the road and so many different bird calls. We finally arrive at the entrance of the wildlife preserve and were met by the volunteer of the day. After giving us a map and tour guide to the preserve he paused for a second and say "Yeah... you're wearing shorts and sandals... you might want to stay on the path." I, of course, asked "why?" The volunteer went on to tell us that it's rattlesnake mating season and the preserve has two venomous rattlers that are considered "ambush rattlesnakes" so they will attack anything that is walking by! Um, yeah. I would be sure to stay on the path!! I was so freaked out after that and was on constant rattlesnake alert!

Before the driving tour we decided to walk the half mile causeway to the beach. The view of the marsh was so gorgeous and I can never get enough of the salty ocean air! On our walk we saw some cute crabs and I'm still wondering why one of their claws is larger than the other. I didn't know if the rattlesnakes ventured out to the causeway, but I was on high alert - not the I had anywhere to run!

We finally reached the entrance to the beach and it was so beautiful!

You can walk forever on this beach and there are millions of seashells! The rule of the beach is that you cannot take any seashell home with you. I love that!

There is driftwood everywhere and someone (or many!) have taken the time to lovingly decorate the driftwood with seashells.

you can even decorate your girlfriend!

I stopped for a bit and talked to one of the preserve volunteers who was picking up trash on the beach. She has only lived here a couple of years and fell in love with Botany Bay. I can see why! She was telling me about all of the people that come to the beach and try to sneak out shells. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Some guy actually argued with her and told her that the sand was going to cover most of the shells throughout time anyway so why not let people take them. He called her an "environmentalist wacko" Wow! Some people just don't get it!

After my chat I finally caught up to Robin who was taking part in the shell/driftwood decorating.

Isn't she cute??

We stopped for a bit to take a couple of photos and then headed back to the other side of the beach, which had the most amazing trees!

The tide was coming in and it was getting late so we decided to head back to the car to do a quick tour of the rest of the preserve. I know there is so much that we missed on our quick drive so I can't wait to go back to this magical place that I'm so glad to have discovered!

Today I'm paying for the amount of walking I did so we just had a lazy day at home. Still, I'm so glad we ventured out because it felt so good to feel the sun on my face again. My camera had not been used in weeks and my body was pale and in great need of exercise!

I can't wait to get out again!

My Fabulous Idea

So, here's my fabulous idea...

I've been pondering hard about all of this paint and other craft stuff that my Mom has. I think I'm going to do something that will benefit myself as well as some other people. My idea is to gather my friends who have kids and tell them that they can have as much paint and whatever else stuff that I have (within reason, of course) as long as they take it home and create something for me, preferably a picture that I can frame and put in our eventual office/craft room in the house, which is Mom's former painting room. Of course if my adult friends want some paint, they are more than welcome. Same rules apply!

The thought of nit-picking over all of this paint, or giving it to one person just didn't sit well with me. I thought about buying some cheap brushes, paper and canvas for the art project as well. First I'm going to see how much canvas Mom has in there as well as paper. We have a bunch, but I'm not sure how much we have to go around. Now the task is to figure out how to handle the task of giving this out to the kids without mass hysteria and people grabbing and pushing. I don't want this to be an ugly thing so I think I'm going to do it kid by kid and person by person. I just don't to have another yard sale fiasco on my hands! Maybe Robin and I can divide it up based on how many people we have. I just want to avoid people being greedy over my Mom's things. Some of the little bottles of paint are $2 and when you multiply that by 1,000... well, you do the math.

As far as Mom's painting ladies that contacted me at the yard sale about Mom's other things, I think once the paint and stuff are gone I will contact them and tell them what I have left are the brushes, books, magazines, other weird painting supplies and my Mom's massive painting palette collectibles. I still have a lot of things to bring to the Red Cross as far as thread, fabric and sewing supplies. I will probably do that this week.

Speaking of this week, I was supposed to go back to work today and when I got up and took a shower it totally exhausted me. For the past few days I've been feeling horrible - extremely tired, face flushed, bouts of sweating when the room is totally cool... We have been following my blood pressure, which has been really high, since Wednesday. Last night Robin kept telling me that I really needed to stay home and make a doctors appointment and after my shower, that's what I did.

I saw Dr. Eads at 2pm and told him about how I was feeling. I also told him that Dr. McNellis gave me a bunch of Mucinex that has helped a little but hasn't really cured me of my nightly fits of coughing. After doing the normal listening to my lungs, etc he ordered a chest x-ray, more labs and another round of antibiotics. He then said he wanted me to take another week off work because he wants to make sure it's not pneumonia. Ugh. I am so tired of being sick. I haven't even been able to enjoy all of this time off! I even missed the Grits Festival and the annual rolling-in-the-grits contest in St. George!

All I want to do is go for a walk downtown to see the beautiful flowers in bloom without having to cough, wheeze, sneeze or sit down for a break because I'm tired! Charleston is so gorgeous this time of year and if I sit on the couch any longer I'm going to miss it all!

The Perils of Pollen

My allergies in South Carolina are a MILLION times worse than they ever were in Ohio. I never had allergies before I moved to Ohio and people would always tell me that once you live there for a year, you are bound to develop them because it's a valley region. Whatever that means. When I started sniffling during different seasons I chose to believe "them", I mean who am I to challenge the people that live there and are in the know?

When I moved back to South Carolina all allergy hell broke loose. For the past year I have gone through several bottles of Visine and have tried every over the counter medication to no avail. I can never remember what I blog about so I'm not sure if I wrote about my allergy testing recently in which I tested positive for every category and multiple sub-categories. Robin recently told me that Charleston is one of the top three cities IN THE WORLD for allergies and pollen. People in Ohio can suck it with their little allergy problems.

I was finally given Singulair and am now on two nasal sprays on top of my (which seems like hundreds of) other medications. Can you believe I actually have to get a BIGGER pill case because all of my pills won't fit into it??

Today is probably the worst allergy day I have had in Pam history. I am really suffering. My head feels like it's about to explode or fall off. Being that there is a huge gash in my throat it just might do that if it gets any worse. My nose won't stop running and I have a headache from hell. I don't think there is enough medication in the world to combat Charleston pollen. My Jeep is continually green from all the pollen.

At least I have somewhat avoided the worst couple of weeks for pollen. Most of the time I have had off since surgery have been spent on the couch or in bed. The first time I left the house for an official social situation was on Wednesday evening. My friend Carol posted a link on her Facebook page for a local photography group and asked if anyone wanted to go. I checked out the link and saw that there were some amateurs in the group so that made me feel a bit better. I also saw that Joan, my favorite blogger, was going to be speaking about photography blogging. It sounded like fun, so I told Carol I would go. Besides, it was at North Towne and I LOVE Greek food! I was able to make it through the meeting and even delivered some food to Robin that night at the hospital but by the time I got home I was exhausted!

Today I was scheduled for another post-surgical follow up with Dr. McNellis and when I woke up I could barely move. I felt so awful that I kept re-setting the alarm. At one point I got out of bed, turned on the shower and stood there for a moment until I decided that I needed to lay down again more than I needed a shower. I finally got out of bed with just enough time to get dressed, brush my teeth, wash my face and head out for my appointment.

My wait to be seen at Charleston ENT (as always) was an hour an a half. You know, that REALLY pisses me off. How is it that the wait (especially just after lunch) is that long? As I sat in the chair I could feel my body getting clammy and my face getting hot. I was becoming more and more nauseated as I waited. When I left the house I grabbed a Diet Coke and some plain graham crackers but apparently that wasn't enough to keep me from getting sick. When Dr. McNellis finally came in the room I was standing at the sink drinking water and trying not to vomit.

Dr. McNellis told me that my calcium is still a bit low and he wants me to add another dose during the day and he also informed me that the cancer was in both my left and right thyroid but not in my lymph nodes. That's good news! I told him that I have suffered with an INSANE amount of mucus in the last couple of days to the point of vomiting (sorry!) and he gave me a huge box of Mucinex samples. Thank God! Maybe I can sleep now instead of staying up all night - like last night - coughing! During my coughing bout last night I did manage to catch this awesome photo of my girl and our gimpy little dog! Soooo sweet!

After my appointment I couldn't get out of Dr. McNellis's office fast enough. I drove quickly to the closest fast food restaurant and got a grilled chicken sandwich and a fruit cup. It didn't make me feel great, but I stopped shaking and felt somewhat normal again. I went home and went straight to bed and waited for Robin to get home - she was working day shift today.

When Robin came home she brought me a goody bag from Publix! I love presents!

How sweet is she??

My get well bag included a stuffed hippo, apples, Lindt chocolates, Twizzlers, face scrub stuff (I was out), Kleenex (now I can stop using all of the the toilet paper!), scar gel (to help my scar go away!) and a big ass brand new pill container. I'm not sure it really needed to be THAT big, but oh well! What I forgot to put in the picture was the Ticketmaster envelope that has our Lady Gaga tickets in it for September in Charlotte! She could have just gotten me the bag (which I really like) and I would have been perfectly happy.

I have the sweetest girlfriend EVER! Oh! And I just wanted to mention how proud I am of her for getting nominated for Nurse of the Year at East Cooper Medical Center!

Robin rocks!

Yo Burrito

I love a good burrito. I especially love a burrito that I can hold that isn't drowned in a bunch of sauce or cheese. And I really love a burrito if it comes from a place called Chipotle! Sadly, there aren't any Chipotle restaurants anywhere near Charleston so suffice it to say, I haven't had a seriously great burrito in a very long time... until today!

Okay, so why hasn't anyone told me that Yo Burrito has stepped up their game? I remember when they opened their first location on Wentworth Street in Charleston years ago. I only went there once and I never went back so obviously it wasn't that memorable!

Robin was recently telling me about a co-worker that had his girlfriend go to Yo Burrito to pick up dinner for him (and rudely didn't ask anyone if they wanted anything!) Later on, she was pretty envious of what came in this co-workers plain brown paper bag... so much that we had a whole conversation about it later!

All of this burrito chat made me miss my Chipotle days, so today, when we were running errands, I asked her if she wanted to head to Mt. Pleasant to go to Yo Burrito... Uh. yeah...

First thing I noticed is that the Mt. Pleasant location is not crowded with young college students - bonus! The music was a bit loud, but it is kind of a bar location, I suppose. After the server brought us some chips Robin went to the salsa bar and brought back the mild version for me. I'm not sure what flavor she picked out for herself, but I nicknamed it "ass salsa" and was "pretend angry" at her for making me try it. Gross! She said it was BBQ flavor or something.

The mild salsa was amazing! Really, I couldn't get enough of it. I wish I had the recipe. I've never made salsa, but I need to. I mean, really... how hard can it be? I need to put that on my list of things to do. That, and another batch of hummus. I could eat chips and salsa for dinner and sadly, on occasion, I have done so.

I was so consumed with the salsa and its deliciousness that I didn't even notice that I had dribbled on my shirt. Yeah, that's my luck. Good thing I learned the ice cube/stain trick many years ago. Never use a napkin. It only rubs off on your shirt!

Finally, our burritos come and with the first bite, I am in burrito heaven. All of the sudden I'm like "Chipotle who??" Let me just say that the meat in this burrito was so flavorful and moist. There wasn't one thing overpowering another thing (normally the rice to everything ratio!) and I loved how the outside of the burrito was slightly grilled so it was a little crispy throughout. There wasn't once ounce of fatty tasting meat (as Chipotle seems to have now and then) and I'm usually a pretty clean eater, but I think I used all of my napkins and all of Robins!

Robin couldn't finish the last bite of her burrito and I looked at her in horror and said "but that's the best bite!!" She said she just couldn't do it. Although it took me some time, I did manage to finish mine and I tried for the remainder of the night to not regret it. It was a pretty big burrito.

Robin had the MoBurrito = grilled steak, chicken, guacamole, black beans, salsa, sour cream, cheese, lettuce and jalapeno peppers. She ordered it without the rice. I had the All That Burrito = chicken, rice, black beans, cheese, salsa. I got mine without jalapenos or sour cream. I did ask for lettuce, but I think they forgot :(

I'm so glad that we have an alternative to Moe's in town. I loathe it when I go into Moe's and they yell "WELCOME TO MOE'S!!!" It's so obnoxious. They even do it on their website! Not only do you have to listen to them yell at you, but to EVERYONE that comes in the place. Their food is okay... they do have good queso, but the number one reason I don't go there is because they yell.

I guess I can now stop writing Chipotle letters asking them to open Charleston locations, which will provide more time for my letter writing campaign for a Trader Joe's!!

Found Treasures

I was recently going through some of Mom's stuff and found these notes.

This first one was written by my little sister. I'm not sure how old she was, but all I can say is some things never change!

Obviously, she changed her mind.

Traci always signed her name "Traci B." for some reason. Isn't that odd? I guess I will give her this note back now to share the laugh!

This second note made me cry and smile at the same time. It absolutely sums up my Father and my parent's loving relationship. They were so good together!


I'm so happy I found this!

Stir Crazy

I have been sitting at home for almost a week recovering from surgery. Friday I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Eads and I had to drag myself out of the house for that. My whole body hurt and I could barely get in and out of the car. During my visit, he asked how I was feeling physically and I said okay and he then asked about mentally and I just started crying. I guess that answered that for him. I told him that I was healing on schedule, but was having a hard time dealing with all of it emotionally. I told him that people will look at the incision and say "Oh, that doesn't look that bad" but they are looking at it from the outside and don't stop to think that there are emotions that go along with that incision. That incision conjures up everything I have felt from my family history of cancer and now I have to add my own feelings to it. I told Dr. Eads that I wanted more time for recovery so he agreed to extend my sick leave one week. I return to work on April 19th.

Today was the first day that I felt up to doing something outside of the house, but unfortunately Robin is sick. She caught some kind of bug this week and we have been taking care of each other instead of her taking care of me. This morning I woke up and took a shower with the intention of going out but ended up sitting around the house all day. Robin tried to get me to go out, but I didn't want to do anything alone. She goes back to work tomorrow night so I guess I better get back to the usual routine.

In my moments of going stir crazy I have been attempting to work on my Mom's painting room. I want to get that finished so we can turn it into an office and place to put our craft stuff. I've been attempting to divide what I want to keep with the stuff to throw away. I have no idea what to do with the other stuff. Some of it is really valuable, but do I really want to deal with the pain of selling it all? I have had "friends" ask me to let them know what my plans are but all it does is irritate me when people do that. I'd much rather give it to someone who would never ask for it! I don't know why it bothers me so much when people do that.

With this last week at home I'm hoping to get organized a little more. I want to paint the windows in the master bedroom - yes... the windows! Since Robin works nights we have to have a totally blacked out room for her to sleep in. I decided a while back to paint the window panes different colors to help block out the light. I also need to paint the spare bedroom before my cousin comes to stay for a week in June. I hate painting, which is probably a huge reason for my procrastination. I can't imagine how anyone does it for a living day after day!

Last week I did have a small sense of accomplishment. I made meatloaf and mashed potatoes! I know that this isn't really a big deal, but I was quite proud of myself. My goal was to make my Mom's meatloaf and I must say that I came really close to it! I have never in my life made a meatloaf and I didn't follow a recipe. I made my meatloaf from my memories of watching Mom make it over the years. I suppose I paid enough attention to re-create it! As for the mashed potatoes. Well, I've never made mashed potatoes before, either. I just threw some stuff together and it came out pretty darn good!

Both of my parents were born cooks and were known for their specialties. They never followed recipes and sadly, they never wrote their recipes down. I remember our neighbor across the street, Jim, loved my Mom's meatballs (which were DAMN GOOD!) and he always asked Mom for the recipe. Mom would never give it to him but Jim would always ask anyway. One night Jim had a heart attack and passed away. At the wake my Mom slipped the recipe card for her meatballs in Jim's coat pocket and it was buried with him. She had never written that recipe down before that day and never wrote it down again.

I haven't attempted to conquer Mom's meatballs yet, but I have made Dad's chili and Grandma's cheesecake. I just say that meatloaf and mashed potatoes (from memory) are one step closer!

The Girl with the Red Ribbon

Remember the scary childhood story of the girl with the red ribbon around her throat? If you removed the ribbon her head would roll because it was severed at the neck. I think I know what she must have felt like.

Five days after surgery I am still in pain. The worst part of it all is my throat. I was told that they had to intubate me three times for surgery. I guess when they did that they tore up my throat because now swallowing is incredibly uncomfortable.

Monday morning Robin and I arrived at St. Francis at 6am to check in for surgery. I didn't have to wait long before they brought me back to a room and started the pre-surgery interrogation. What is your name? What is your birth date? What are you having done? Those questions will be asked over and over again for the next 24 hours! They take my vitals, give me some wrist bracelets for identification.. Nurses come and nurses go... poking, prodding and preparing me to go under the knife. Next, the anesthesiologist comes in and introduces himself s and then Dr. McNellis comes in to go over the procedure. They are ready for me.

To be honest, from that point on I really don't remember anything. The last thing I remember was being in the prep room and they put my hair in the net. Robin kissed me as I was being wheeled out of the room. The next thing I know I was waking up in recovery with Dr. McNellis at my side. He was talking to me about the surgery. He told me that it went well and that they ended up doing a total thyroidectomy. I remember looking at him and I asked if it was cancer. He said yes. I cried hard and asked what my family did to deserve this and then I asked for Robin. Dr. McNellis told me that he talked to her and she was waiting in my room. I sat in recovery for a while and I remember lifting my hand to my neck to feel the incision. I didn't expect it to be uncovered. When I touched it I heard the nurse call me from the other side of the room. She was telling me not to touch it.

The Demerol was still strong in my system so I was in and out of consciousness for a while. I remember being wheeled down the hall and seeing Robin standing in the doorway of my room. I was never so happy to see anyone in my life. I must have been really high because she told me that I kept telling her how much I love her.

When I was well enough to move around I went to the bathroom and changed my clothes into something more comfortable. Robin brought me a pair of cotton shorts and soft tank top from home and I was so thankful to get that hospital gown off! When I changed clothes, Robin unhooked my IV to get the shirt over the tube and I just knew the nurses were going to yell at me. I'm sure they wondered how I got the shirt on around it, but they never said anything.

Once I was awake, the nurse brought me some "food" for a liquid diet. It was chicken broth that was actually more like a 5 chicken bullion cubes dropped in about a cup of water. It was so strong that I had to have Robin ask for some hot water to dilute it. Along with the broth was what I thing they call Jello, but it wasn't really comparable. I ate a bite and wondered what in the hell I was eating. I never had Jello that left a film on the inside of my mouth before. I opted to eat some ice chips and drink some ginger ale for lunch. I do remember eating a turkey sandwich but am not quite sure how, or when, I obtained it!

After eating I heard a knock at my door. When I turned around it was my good friend Edna! It turns out that her husband, Rusty, was down the hall for chest pain so she thought she would come to find me. While Edna was visiting there was another knock at the door and it was Debra, Jackie's sister... soon after, Jackie and her son Quentin came by. It was a party up in room 239. Unfortunately, I didn't feel like partying too much because when the nurse came in to give me my meds I ended up throwing up in front of everyone. Somehow I managed to keep the pills down, though.

Early in the evening I was so incredibly hot. I was sweating and my hair was drenched. The thermostat was turned down as much as it could go and I was still sweating. My clothes were wet and the nurse kept giving me cold cloths to put on my forehead. I remember saying that's what my Dad always did when I was sick as a kid. He thought a cold, wet cloth would cure anything. I guess I was feeling the effects of coming off of the Demerol and it was horrible. I was taking short, shallow breaths even with the oxygen on and I just couldn't get cool enough. I tied my hair up on top of my head to keep it off of my neck and tried to sleep. It was hard to do since the nurses woke me up every two hours for medicine, insulin, blood pressure... or whatever.

Every once in a while there would be a quiet moment when I wasn't struggling with being hot, trying to breathe, being uncomfortable or whatever else and the reality of the situation would creep up on me. There were a couple moments of clarity and it would hit me out of the blue. I was in the hospital and I had cancer. There is now a huge. 4-inch cut on my throat and I was next in line in my family to deal with this horrible fucking disease. I went to sleep "normal" and I woke up a cancer survivor.

There were several times throughout the night when Robin and I would sit and cry. Mostly me, I think. I just didn't (and still don't) understand how "this" happens to one person. When I say "this", I mean all of my horrible, rotten luck. I have asked a million times, and I ask once more. When does my luck turn to good? I guess I should listen to what the doctors keep telling me about if I'm going to get cancer "this is the kind you want to get!" I mean, what kind of crap is that? Is that supposed to be reassuring? Is that supposed to make me feel better? I am thankful that it's gone and that it was operable and that the probability of it coming back is extremely rare, but really! In the long line of things that I have been through in the past couple of years, when you add thyroid cancer to the list of things to happen to me, it should probably make someone go "well, of course!" Is it being optimistic if I start to look at it as I'm running out of bad things to happen to me?

After not sleeping much that night they brought in a small breakfast for me consisting of one egg, one slice of toast cut in two and a small bowl of grits. I was pretty hungry so I ate the egg and toast. I don't eat grits so those were pushed to the side and Robin went downstairs to the cafeteria to see what kind of food they had down there. She came back with a Belgian waffle! My hero! I ate half of my waffle and had some coffee and I felt like a new woman!

Around that time I had a visit from Joan of Charleston Daily Photo - my favorite blog. Joan also came to visit me the night before but I don't remember much of it. I do remember hearing someone say I was asleep and when I opened my eyes, there she was! It's kind of odd following someone's blog and reading about their daily life and all of then sudden they are a real person standing in front of you! It meant a lot that she took the time out of her day to visit! Maybe next time we can meet under better circumstances.

After checking my vitals for the millionth time the doctor finally cleared me for discharge. We gathered up my things and headed home. All I could think about was laying in my own bed. I wasn't looking forward to the quiet and contemplative time that was sure to follow once the hospital hoopla, phone calls from friends and general craziness subsided. I've been trying to stay busy with doing stuff around the house and have probably overdone it a bit. I had a follow-up with Dr. Eads today and this was the worst day I have had, physically, so far. He extended my leave one week so I can take more time to recover physically and also mentally.

I'm physically drained and emotionally devastated. I need to regroup, center myself and find the part of me that grew stronger from this experience and use that to grow on. I know that this... all of this, has happened to me for a reason. I just don't know what that reason is or what I'm supposed to do with this life of experiences. Good and bad.

Surgical Outcome

I don't really have the motivation to write a full blog about my surgical experience today so I will save that until I am feeling a bit better.

In a nutshell, when they did the frozen section during my surgery they found cancer. Because of this, they took my entire thyroid out. I am staying the night at the hospital and will go home tomorrow where the ears of a chocolate Easter Bunny are waiting to be bitten off... throat pain, or no throat pain!

BlackBerry Love

How did I ever live without a BlackBerry?

A couple of weeks ago Robin was getting the laundry out of the washer and I was sitting on the couch. I heard her say something and when I looked up I saw her bow her head. A couple of minutes later she walked over to me and handed me my phone. It was more than a little wet! I guess I left it on the bed when I woke up and when Robin washed the sheets my phone was wrapped up in them. I just looked at her and said "you know all my contacts are in there..." and she just said "I know." We put the phone in some rice to dry it out then Robin started getting dressed. I asked her were she was going and she said she was heading out to get me a new phone. I told her that they didn't sell those phones in the store anymore. She said the she knew I needed a phone and she would get me something else. I couldn't go with her because we were waiting for a friend to come over. I told her I was afraid that she would get something that I would hate and she asked me what kind of phone I wanted. Without hesitation I said "BlackBerry" and she left.

I was really wondering how she was going to get to the store and back in time to go to dinner, but she managed to do it. The first store she went to was just the service center and of course my phone was beyond service so she had to go to the store that was actually closer to our house. I have no idea how she did it, but she returned with new BlackBerry in hand and I didn't ask questions!

Unfortunately, my plan is with Sprint and my contract doesn't end for another year or else I would have switched to an iPhone. For the time being, I have to say that I LOVE this phone! Tonight I uploaded all of my recipes so when I go shopping all I have to do is pull up a recipe to get the ingredients. Before, I was carrying my iPod in the store as well as my phone but now I have it all in one! It's the small things in life! I sent Robin an email from my phone with a recipe attached and told her that from now on, if I need her to go to the grocery store to get ingredients all I have to do is email her the recipe. Yay! I am sure she was less than thrilled at that idea!

Speaking of food, I have been thinking about my surgery that is happening on Monday morning and how uncomfortable it will be to eat afterward. Ive been thinking of soft foods that I should buy that will be easy to swallow. I was thinking of making some things tomorrow to have on hand for the following week. Warm and soft... that's what I'm thinking.

The whole idea of having surgery and the possibility of having cancer is so surreal. The reality that I am going under anesthesia and getting my throat sliced open hasn't really hit yet. It is getting more real as the deed draws near, but I think it won't really hit me until Monday morning. To be honest, I'm a little freaked out about it and mildly scared. The only surgeries I have had is carpal tunnel and laser lithotripsy for a kidney stone. Both were under anesthesia, but for the carpal tunnel I was awake and could actually feel them digging around my hand. It didn't hurt, but I was pretty disturbed about being able to feel it.

I have to arrive at St. Francis at 6am and surgery is scheduled at 8am. Dr. McNellis told me to prepare to stay overnight but there was a possibility that he may let me go home. I am a little worried about the fact that I can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight and by the time surgery is over it will be close to lunch time. I am more than positive I won't be able to eat for a few hours and being a diabetic, if I don't eat on a regular schedule I get absolutely nauseated. Because of this, I'm going to request to stay overnight. The only time I've stayed overnight in a hospital is when my Dad was sick. I think hospitals are pretty creepy so it's not something I'm real thrilled about. I'm so glad that Robin will be there with me. I can't even imagine not having her in my life. It's hard enough working opposite schedules!

I took the week off and hopefully will not experience too much pain after surgery. I would love to be able to use the healing time to get some stuff done in the house and also be able to spend some time outdoors. Since the Lucas ordeal, Robin and I haven't had much quality time together so I hope we will be able to do some fun stuff during the week. If not, I suppose the couch and I will become BFF's!

It's now 4:43am and Robin came home early. I'm awake because I had a headache and slept all day. Now it's time to go to Waffle House for a tasty Waffle! Yum!

Progress

Our dog Lucas is insane. I think he has forgotten that a little over a week ago he was paralyzed. These days, he is walking on his own! He walks in a swaying drunk-like fashion, but is walking (and running) nonetheless!

When I knew that Lucas was going to be fine walking on his own I would still carry the harness when we went outside in case of an emergency. The past couple of day I've just opened the door (to Robin's dismay) and let him go out by himself. I hang out on the porch and make sure he isn't killing himself or getting into a position he can't get out of. My biggest fear is that he will crawl under the pool deck and get stuck. I have news for him... if that happens he's staying there until Robin gets home because there is no way I'm going under there! Yesterday he conquered coming up the steps by himself!

Being that Lucas is Robin's baby, she tends to hover over him way more than I do. She still carries him outside to the yard and is probably still feeding him hand-cut hot dogs. I am absolutely amazed at his progress and really can't believe that he is walking again! What I think is most amusing is the fact that he now sits like a human. I mean, who doesn't love a dog that sits like this on the couch??


Because of dog drama, Robin and I really haven't done much outside of the house in the last two weeks. We did manage to run a couple of errands and go out for dinner the other night, which was nice. I've been more tired than usual and struggle through work every day. All I can think about is coming home to take a nap! It makes me wonder if all of this (which has been going on for a while!) is related to my thyroid.

This week Robin has been working every night so she can take next week off to play nurse to me after my surgery on Monday. Seeing how she has babied Lucas I think, perhaps, I'm a little frightened! Really, though, I'm glad Lucas has made such great progress so Robin won't be totally stressed tending to two needy patients!

Baby Steps

Robin and I decided to try and let Lucas walk on his own today. We were shocked at how well he did!! At one point he took off and started running! It's amazing that he was mostly paralyzed just a couple of days ago and we were actually thinking of ending this poor kid's life!

Today he finally had a bowel movement (Thanks to Activia and canned pumpkin!) and he peed standing on his own! We are hoping in the next couple of days that he will be able to get himself up from the sitting position!

Amazing!

Our Fancy Dog Purse

Last night was the first time in a week that Robin and I got more than 4 hours of sleep at one time and it was sooooo nice! We've been working shifts with Lucas. Since Robin works nights and I work days it has worked out pretty well and he has shown so much improvement.

A couple of days ago I was going to put him in the crib and I accidentally popped the catheter out... oops! We were worried that he was going to urinate all over the place without it, but he has actually held it and goes outside when we take him. Obviously he can't tell us when he has to go so we constantly have to observe his behavior and try to figure out when he needs to go.

Initially, Lucas has absolutely no use of his hind legs. The vet's office gave us a simple harness so we could support his backside while he walks with his front legs, but we ended up buying an Australian made rear harness called the Walkabout and had it overnighted. His rear legs go through two slits and then it wraps around his backside then fastens with velcro and fasteners. Each side has a handle that makes Lucas look like a fancy dog purse.

(not Lucas!)

It took a bit, but Lucas has gone back to his normal outside routine. The first thing he does when he heads steps onto the deck is smell under the chair where he recently caught and killed a squirrel. I keep telling Robin that I think the reason he became paralyzed was because of a "hit" that the underground squirrel mafia did for retaliation. I suppose we'll never know.

During our walks it's sometimes hard to keep up with him! He drinks from the large empty flower pot that holds rain water, he goes to sniff the tree where the squirrels hide, he makes a trip around the pool and constantly tries to run under the deck. I keep telling him that there's no way we can go under the deck because I don't fit under there and secondly, that's where the snakes hide! It's so good he remembers his environment!

He is slowly regaining strength in his hind legs but remains incredibly wobbly. If we were to let go of the harness he would surely fall over, but he has taken 2-3 steps on his own as we let the tension on the harness fall a bit just to see how he does. Because of his great progress, we are really hopeful for a full recovery!

His appetite has been good, but there may be a downfall from what we have been feeding him. For his medicine we hide it in hot dog bits and he now refuses to eat his dog kibble! He was already spoiled rotten so we might be creating a monster! As far as we are concerned if he has gone through this and fully recovers, especially after we came so close to putting him down, he can eat ice cream sundaes every day for all we care!!

The down side of all of this is that he has still not had a bowel movement. He acts as if he has to by hunching down, but nothing ever happens! We have been told that pure pumpkin will help with that so he had a little today. He really didn't care for it so we are hoping what little he ate will help. Hopefully the poop-fest doesn't happen on my shift!!

Lucas

I am drained. The last two days have been so exhausting for us.

Yesterday Robin called me at work around 10am. I didn't answer because I was on the phone with an insurance company. I sent her a text saying that I would call her back in a minute. She replied with one word... "Emergency!" I immediately hung up with the insurance company and called her back. She said that our youngest dog, Lucas, couldn't move his back legs. I asked her what happened and she said that she thought he jumped off the deck chasing a squirrel and he fell wrong. She said she heard him yelping and when she ran outside he was laying in the grass and couldn't move. I told her that I was leaving work and would be home in as soon as I could.

I turned off my computer, grabbed my bag and ran to my boss's office and told her that I had a family emergency. I think I blabbed something about the dog and said that I had to go and I would call with an update later. I drove home as quickly, and legally as I could.

When I arrived home, Robin was sitting on the living room floor with Lucas. All of the other animals were surrounding them. She said she already called the vet's office and they were expecting us. Luckily, the vets office was about 2 miles from the house.

Robin sat in the back seat with Lucas and I felt so bad for him. He was sitting on his hind with his back legs extended. The look on his face was pure fright. My heart was racing and I was trying to remain calm.

When we were called to the exam room Dr. Brown came in and did a couple of quick tests and said that he didn't have any deep pain and recommended we go to the emergency vets office. Dr. Brown does not specialize in backs and the emergency vets office also had the imaging equipment needed to properly diagnose his condition. We left Dr. Brown's office and headed to North Charleston.

When we pulled up, the vet tech was waiting at the door for us where he picked up Lucas and brought him inside. Robin filled out paperwork and we were brought back to an exam room where we waited.

About 15 minutes later the doctor came in and explained that Lucas actually did have deep pain, which was good. He told us that his opinion was that Lucas had a herniated disc and that he recommended imaging to properly diagnose the condition. He also said it could be an embolism and without x-rays he wouldn't be able to tell us for sure. He went to run and estimate and a couple of minutes came back with the numbers for x-rays and surgery... $3995,00!!

The doctor said that they could keep him overnight and we could think about the option of surgery. He said they would give him pain meds and we could call any time to check for any improvement. We left the vet's office feeling numb, sad and like we just abandoned a child.

Last night was a quiet night at the house. Lucas is the most rambunctious of all the pets and he is constantly under your feet - especially if you have food! The other animals knew something was up so they were especially quiet.

Late in the evening we called the office for an update. The tech told us there was no improvement. Robin and I cried and talked for a long time about what to do. We knew there was no way we could afford surgery and we just felt helpless. I called my friend Becky, who works in animal welfare. She recommended we take Lucas home for his medication and therapy to see how he does before making any drastic decisions. We thought about doing this, but we didn't want Lucas to suffer for our own selfishness. We knew we really didn't have any choice but to euthanize him.

Today I called into work and left a message for supervisor about what was happening. There was no way I could work and deal with all of this. We were told that the vet came in at 9am to do his rounds and we should receive a call around 10am. We didn't hear from them, so at 10:30am we called for an update. The tech told us that they brought Lucas outside and he actually tried to use his hind legs. There was a little bit of improvement and even the Dr. was surprised. We were both super-excited at this news and told them that we would be there as soon as we could.

When we arrived we were brought to the same room as the day before. A couple of minutes later the tech brought Lucas in the room. He was on a leash, which one tech was holding while the other tech held a harness supporting his backside. I think both of us had the same reaction. All the hope of his improvement slowly disappeared. We really thought we would see something totally different. Lucas was basically just dragging his hind legs behind him.

They left us alone in the room with Lucas and we just looked at each other. We had a really hard decision to make and it was like the elephant in the room. Lucas was so drugged up but we knew he recognized us from the small tail wag he did when he entered the room and saw us sitting there.

For about 20 minutes we were alone with Lucas. It was so sad seeing him like this. At that point we were fully prepared to put him to sleep and were were basically saying our silent goodbye's and cried many tears.

After a while, the doctor came in. We told him there was no way we could afford surgery and we wanted to hear about other options. The doctor said that from when we brought him in yesterday to today was an improvement. We asked him if taking Lucas home for meds and therapy would be beneficial and the doctor said it couldn't hurt. We decided that's what we would do.

We loaded Lucas, his catheter and paralyzed legs in my Jeep and headed home. Robin looked at me and said 'Are you up for this?" and I said "Are you?" and we both nodded.

When we got home we set Lucas up in the living room on the dog bed. All the other pets were very happy that he was home, but wanted to know where the hell he had been and why he wasn't raising hell like he normally did. After a good sniff we made them mind their business and prepared for several weeks of doggy sitting.

Robin gave him some water and we were trying to figure out how to protect him from everyone else. I said that it was too bad we didn't have a baby crib or playpen. I decided to put a call out to my peeps on Facebook to see if anyone had one we could have or buy and within 20 minutes our friend Teresa came to the rescue! yay! She came over and delivered it, and then we all attempted to set it up which was more difficult than we all thought! How many lesbians does it take to set up a crib? Three, apparently!

We brought Lucas outside using the harness, which was really trying. Robin had his leash and I held the harness and cath bag. Lucas kept turning in circles and we just couldn't get him to walk forward. I finally had Robin go ahead a couple of steps and call him. He managed to walk a few steps but his back feet were pretty much dragging. The harness the vets office gave us is a piece of crap. We ended up ordering a rear harness online this evening and had them overnight it. Hopefully it will work better!

Robin tried to give him his medication in some mashed potatoes we got especially for him from KFC but he was on to her. There's not fooling him! She ended up forcing the pills down his throat and then I followed up with some tasty bologna. He was pretty pissed at her after that whole situation.

Right now Lucas is resting in his crib and we are all exhausted after two very long days. Tonight I forced myself to stay up instead of crashing earlier but now I'm off to bed. Robin is going to sleep in the living room with Lucas in case he has any problems.

I'm hoping tomorrow is better than today.
(and sorry for the typos!)

Loyalty

When I was a child my Father told me to never lie. He said that if you lie you will soon forget what lie you told and to whom you told it and pretty soon all of your lies will catch up with you. After not following his advice a couple of times I decided that what he told me sounded reasonable so I decided to live by it. I don't lie. I really have no reason to. I don't embellish the truth or tell "fish stories". My life is wacky enough without having to do all of that.

In being an honest, up front person I've found that a lot of people don't know how to take me. I've been told that people are intimidated by me and my honesty. Even some of my closest friends have told me that upon meeting me they were standoffish and until they got to know the "real" me. I would have thought this was an odd occurrence if I hadn't been told this more than once. I have been told by friends that they have had to explain to others "oh, that's just Pam!" when they were asked about my bluntness. Don't get me wrong, I would never intentionally say anything rude to someone about them personally, it's just that I have an opinion about things and I'm not afraid to express it. I'm actually quite a caring and polite person.

I think that by being the person I am I have had to develop a tough skin. I assume that the people that don't really know me think that I don't have feelings. I've thought long and hard about this. I have a tough exterior and perhaps they think my feelings are impenetrable so they say and do things they feel won't affect me emotionally. It's quite the opposite, being that I DO actually have feelings and am very sensitive.

When I was young, I moved around so much and had to make friends every couple of years. I do not take friendship for granted. I cherish my friends and would never betray them and I expect the same of them. I've learned hard lessons with some of my friends and have been very lucky that they have stood by my side even when I wasn't exactly friend material. This is why I find it incredibly painful when I learn that a so-called friend has betrayed me. That really sucks.

What sucks worse is that I learned of this from another friend and was sworn to secrecy that I wouldn't say that they told me. There are other friends involved and it's a he said/she said kind of thing and it's all just ridiculous. I would love to confront the situation and nip it in the bud, but there's that whole confidentiality and loyalty thing. I stand by my statement and really don't care what the person on the receiving end says about the whole situation, but what I DO care about is that the person delivering this message was thought to be a friend.

I stand by everything I say, write and do and if I make a mistake I am quick to apologize. If someone has an issue with something I have said or done I would hope they would confront me about it like an adult instead of gossiping like a 12-year old because frankly, I don't have time for it.

We Are Family

Once upon a time there was a nightclub in Charleston called The Treehouse. If you were one of the regulars that was lucky enough to discover it early, you were witness to something magical. There were several bars in town that catered to the gay crowd, but there was nothing like The Treehouse. The sign on the door read: They meant it. The first time I went to The Treehouse I was mesmerized. I had been to clubs in Seattle, Atlanta and Manhattan and nothing compared to it. The Treehouse felt like home. It wasn't so huge that you were just another person in the crowd. We knew everyone and everyone knew us. For the next couple of years you could find me on the dance floor... eyes closed, hearing Jesse spin and feeling the vibration of the music rise from the dance floor and work it's way up my body. At times there would be so many people on the dance floor that I just knew it would collapse and we'd all end up on the first floor. There was one song by The Movement called 'Jump' where you could actually feel the floor move up and down as people bounced all over. It was divine. On a normal day, during that time, I would work my shift from 4pm-12am and after changing my clothes in the bathroom I would head out to pick up friends. It seemed that I was always the taxi cab for wayward gay boys! After dancing for several hours - this was before clubs were forced to close at 2am - we would walk over to Fannies on Market Street for breakfast. Our server Sherrie was always lovely and incredibly patient with all of us clubbers. Mike (RIP) was always behind the grill cooking up whatever we wanted. Sometimes, after breakfast, a few of us would head over to the beach to watch the sun rise. This was most every night of the week. We were young and living in the moment and it was beautiful. The entrance to The Treehouse was down an alley on George Street. Being a V.I.P. member one of the benefits was never having to wait in line, which sometimes was down the street. I remember walking past at least one hundred people toward the entrance of the club one night and a girl shouted to us as we walked by "Excuse me, are we going to the same club because I've been waiting for an hour!" I hoped that we didn't bump into her an hour or so later when she finally gained entrance! Everyone I know who was a part of that magic remembers it the same way I do. A while after The Treehouse opened things really changed. People in the suburbs, mostly straight, would hear stories about all the crazy happenings at the club and decided to check it out for themselves. Sadly, those people never left and The Treehouse eventually lost that home-away-from-home feeling for most of us. We might as well have been dancing at Illusions on Rivers Avenue. In 1992 the owner, Ron, sent out this letter to V.I.P. members: The Treehouse slowly lost it's faithful clientele that made it the legendary club that it became and eventually closed because of it. The Treehouse building remained vacant for a while and eventually had a pretty bad fire due to some people squatting and I believe two people perished in the fire. I'm not sure who inhabits 348 King Street now. I need to remind myself to look next time I pass by. Fast forward 15 years... We've all grown to be 40-somethings and this past Saturday Jenn Klenk hosted a Treehouse reunion party at Club Pantheon. My friend Jim came to town from Greenville and stayed with Robin and I for the occasion. We went to dinner at Hyman's and then headed to Pantheon. I already contacted most of my Treehouse-loving friends in hopes that they would meet me there. We arrive just after they opened, grabbed a cocktail and watched people as they arrived. For the first two hours it was kind of slow and then the old Treehouse DJ, Jesse, started spinning. I was really hoping he would play some of the old tunes from The Treehouse, but he only played a couple. I was bummed. Regardless of the music Jesse plays, he definitely knows how to get the crowd on the dance floor, including myself. I'm definitely not in my early twenties anymore so there was no way I was going to dance from opening to close like I did back in the day! I knew I wouldn't recognize a lot of people, but I was really glad that I saw my favorite former waitress, Sherrie! I haven't seen her in years and it was so great to hug her again! I did see an old friend on the dance floor but when I went to look for him he had disappeared and I never ran into him. I was glad that I had several friends there with me... Of course my girl Robin, Chantel, Paul, Teresa, Jim, Mark, my sister Traci and her girlfriend Tanya. We had a really great time! All of this was planned by Jenn via a Facebook group. On March 5th she wrote this letter that really summed the legend of The Treehouse up: Treehouse tradition was that at the end of the night the last song played was ALWAYS 'We Are Family' by Sister Sledge. I wondered to myself if they were going to do the same thing tonight. Sure enough, right around 2am I heard that old familiar tune start. I was on the dance floor and I paused for a moment and looked around me. You could definitely tell who were the Treehouse regulars and who were the regular club-goers at Pantheon. The Treehouse people got so excited when they heard this song. There was cheering, hugging, clapping and pure joy. It meant so much to all of us back in the day. I still think of The Treehouse everytime I hear it. When I was scanning the crowd I looked at how young some of the people were. I guessed that some of these kids were probably 5 or 6 years old when the rest of use were basking in the glory of The Treehouse. It almost like we all had this secret... this monumental thing in common, a confidential club and the membership was closed forevermore. I didn't dance to "We Are Family"... I just listened and watched and remembered. I knew that this part of my life was long over and really, I'm a totally different person now. It was nice to go back and revisit those memories again, but like they say... you can never go home again (but we will always be family!)